From Stress to Peace | Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

stress peace

Being a first time mother was definitely an overwhelming experience from time to time. It was something way out of my comfort zone, something I had never done before. Even when I was pregnant, just ‘thinking’ of all the things I would have to do and change would send shivers down my spine. Will I do good enough? What if I make a mistake? What if there’s not enough time?

I experienced my childhood as being somewhat traumatic. I was very fearful and anything ‘new’ or ‘out of my comfort zone’ would set me off into fear, anxiety. Overtime, this accumulated into a general experience of myself as being inadequate and a victim. When I had my son and saw all the things that needed to be done, I would stress out in anticipation that things wouldn’t go smoothly, that it’d be difficult, that I’d do a bad job, etc. In a way, this seemed normal. Like, stress is a normal experience in life and is actually a good sign because it means you’re being ‘busy’ and ‘productive’.

In the end, I’d still get to everything I wanted or needed to get to. I’d even get to a point where I was no longer stressed out. But then…this just felt ‘off’. I must be missing something? I must be doing something wrong? This absence of stress must mean I am being soft on myself and slacking!!

When I looked at all the points that triggered a stress response, I saw that I accessed a belief that I wasn’t capable and adequate to direct what needed to be done. That things were just ‘too hard’ and ‘too much’ for me. Yet living in constant and continuous stress, well – then things really get hard and too much because the body just can’t keep up.

So what to do?

Every point of stress is actually an opportunity for myself to investigate my relationship towards that which I am experiencing stress towards. I can use these moments to specify myself. If I stress out about a particular task, I gift myself the opportunity to unconditionally carry it out and do the best I can. To gift myself to check whether my belief of inadequacy actually holds truth, and if I see that there is room for improvement, to set myself up to equip myself to be able to direct it better next time around.

How does this bring me to peace?

Well, in every factor of stress, there is something to learn about myself. That I can direct myself, that I can move myself to direct my world and reality effectively. And so piece by piece, I piece myself back together. And it that wholeness is peace – within bringing all the pieces that were missing – back together.

From Anxiety to Authority | Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

anxiety authority pattern emotional turmoil parenting

When my son got very comfortable with water and taking baths by himself (with someone present), he really enjoyed playing with water as it was being tapped, or playing with the showerhead extension while filling the bath. Though whenever it was time to turn off the tap there’d be a big cry and/or tantrum as he wasn’t happy to see his playtime end so soon.

Sometimes he’d get so engulfed in the tantrum/crying that he wouldn’t be aware of how he was moving and then slip and hurt himself. Though this only happened once or twice before he got that massive bath tantrums aren’t exactly a good idea. I didn’t like it when this would happen cause I had the tendency of taking his crying personal – where I would interpret his crying as a judgment directed towards me.

After it happened a few times that bath-time ended in tears, I started dreading bath-time in anticipation of the not so happy ending which would follow. The moment he would ask to take a bath or when we needed to get clean, anxiety would immediately creep up as I would already imagine him having a cry out at the end of it. And then sure enough, it would happen and we’d go through the motions once more.

This was not a fun experience as I would like to enjoy bath time and have him enjoy bath time regardless of how it ends. Applying the principle of getting the message behind an emotion, I opened up the anxiety experience inside myself. Within this, I could see the following lesson within the emotion of anxiety:

Whenever we experience anxiety towards a particular event or playout, it’s not so much the actual event or playout which we fear, but are experience as a reaction TOWARDS the event. Where, we once went through such an event/playout before and experienced this as being unpleasant in some way or another. Then if we anticipate the same or similar event to play out, we project our past experience unto the future playout – and end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When I went into anxiety, it wasn’t because I was fearing him crying or having a tantrum. I was fearing my inner-experience, my experience of diminishment inside that I had gotten accustomed to, to his crying. I was in fact: fearing myself. In my head, these two aspects – the physical aspect of him crying/having a tantrum, and the aspect of me taking his crying personal – were fused as being ‘one and the same’. So when I went into anxiety and already imagined the future playout of his crying or tantrum, it made it seem as if I was fearing the actual physical event.

We assume that how we experienced ourselves in the past will be how we will experience ourselves in the future. But we also assume that we cannot experience ourselves any other way. In this, we have already defined and accepted ourselves as a particular behavioural trait or pattern, such as: when my son cries/throws a tantrum = I take it personal. If this, then that. When we enter into anxiety, we don’t fear the ‘if this’ part of the equation, we fear the ‘then that’ part.

Anxiety as a message, wishes to tell us that we have allowed ourselves to succumb to a pattern. That our experience is confined and limited to that which the pattern dictates, and believe there to be no way out (unless we avoid the event connected to the anxiety which we fear, which is merely avoiding the trigger to the experience, but the patterns still remains existent within us).

If we do not take heed of the message anxiety wishes to show us, anxiety remains because its message is put on hold. We remain a victim to our pattern and will feel less and less in control of our life. What anxiety is demanding, is for us to become the Author of our own lives. To not passively accept a pattern to overrun and overwhelm us, but to decide who we are and how we will experience ourselves in any given moment. When we become the author of our own life and script our own story, we establish Authority inside ourselves.

Are you going to remain a slave to your reaction-pattern, or are you going to script and author your own outcome?

I decided that I do not want to keep taking his cries personal. I decided to change the pattern.

His reaction never was personal to me. His crying merely indicated his sadness to a desire which couldn’t be fulfilled. When I made peace that his crying didn’t make me a lesser parent or person, the anxiety disappeared and soon enough so did his tantrums. Children have very sharp perceptual senses. When we are in a heightened state of distress, for instance when we are in anxiety within anticipating an unpleasant event, the child picks up on this. Our whole body and state of being is in essence screaming to them: “Something bad is about to come our way!” So when the event happens, the child reacts in distress because he or she assumes it is the appropriate way to respond. They don’t necessarily believe that was it happening is distressing. They are merely following our example. As long as I was in anxiety about having the tap turned off, where the turning of the tap was followed by an experience of diminishment inside myself – he assumed that it is only appropriate for him to also feel diminished when the tap turned off and play time was over. If I however showed him that turning the tap on or off doesn’t affect how I feel about myself or my levels of enjoyment, then he learns that turning off the tap doesn’t mean turning off enjoyment inside himself.

The Art of Horsemanship, starts with Self-Mastery

horse woman leilazamoramoreno

When I first got into contact with horses on a daily basis, I was already walking a process of Self-Investigation – analysing who I am and where I can improve myself to my make daily life and living more effective and enjoyable. For me, spending time with horses was a ‘hobby’, something I would do for fun to ‘take my mind of things’. Yet, soon enough – it became very clear that working with horses and spending time with them was not the kind of ‘break’ I was looking for. Quite the opposite happened actually. My buttons were continuously being pushed, and no matter how much I just wanted to ‘relax’ and enjoy myself around the horses and specifically the horse I ended up having as my companion, I found myself in an almost constant state of inner conflict. I really wanted to get to know my horse and have a fun relationship, but he was bullying me around and I was anxious just being around him. When I had first met him at the farm he was staying before coming to live with us, he seemed like a sweet and grounded horse. But when it came to daily interaction, a whole new dynamic came to the surface. In the first few weeks, I’d need to keep his halter on in the stable while grooming because he was very pissy and all too happy to bite/nip to express his. With the assistance of others, I was able to set boundaries and stabilise myself through addressing my fear relationship with him.

When I was a child, I got my share of beatings – this left a very deep impression on me which affected my entire life (and is something I am still working through). Now, having this BIG animal with massive strength and power around me – it scared the living shit out of me. Just seeing him, seeing his grumpy expression and the intensity of him movements whether directed towards me or not – would trigger all sorts of memories bringing me back to my childhood, scared, insecure self. When I was a child, all I would do to cope with the situation is to draw back inside myself and wait the situation out while sitting in complete fear and petrification.

My experience of myself around my horse was absolutely awful. Either I would stop participating with horses, or I would change and empower myself – teach and give myself the tools I did not have as a child, to find a constructive way to work with another being who is angry and plays this out physically – without getting hurt and going into self-diminishment in the process.

This has shown to be a very challenging task. Every fibre of my being has since childhood been set up to avoid conflict situations at any and all costs, especially situations where things could get physical. It was very difficult to give up my primary coping mechanism as the survival skill I developed in situations of conflict. I had to constantly remind myself that I was no longer a child and in a position of powerlessness. I was an adult now and I did not have to be a victim of the situation. I was very scared to change, because all I knew was that ‘avoidance’ would keep me safe. So every day, I would make the deliberate effort to change. To be present, here and work with my horse regardless of the anxiety inside myself. I was taught to take notice of my posture and body language, as any emotional instability would translate into a particular body posture, which would draw out a particular response from the horse. Horses are herd animals as well as prey animals. Their survival and well-being depends on effective leadership. Someone who knows what they are doing. If you are scared, fearful, and go into states of self-diminishment – it is logical to the horse to get rid of you or at least ‘know your place’ in the hierarchy with all the consequences that come with it.

Not only are horses very perceptive of the state of being of their fellow herd members, but they are perceptive of the state of being of any human or animal that gets into their environment. In the wild, a predator who’s just had a nice meal and is fully satisfied can stroll by a herd of horses and the horses will peacefully graze on – because they already picked up on this state of being from miles away. If that same animal however would have approached them in a state of hunting, they would have ran off the moment they picked up on the animal. Much of their behaviour is determined by ‘where everyone else is at’. This became very clear that, as I changed – my horse would change. And so my horse would become the mirror reflection of myself and my state of being. Challenging me, pushing me, checking where I am at and responding accordingly.

Unfortunately, many people do not consider this aspect when working with a horse or any other animal for that matter. If a horse is being unruly, then simply more control and force is used. Someone in my position, then easily moves from being a victim to being a perpetrator – doing unto the horse exactly that which had been done unto self. Horses, in their kind forgiving nature – will put up with this behaviour until they have either had enough (at which point they get sold or sent to the slaughter house) or until they collapse under physical strain and pressure.

To have a willing, trusting and cooperative relationship with your horse – Self-Mastery is absolutely essential. This means constant evaluation and assessment of yourself and your horse. Never assume that your horse is simply being an ‘irrational animal’. This great creatures are very advanced processing machines – to call them stupid would be a deflection of our own inability to see beyond our limited perspectives.

Why does Emotional and Feeling Turmoil Exist?| Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

becoming-aware-of-the-mind

In my previous blog I gave an example of how the beliefs we hold inside ourselves as ‘truth’ and ‘fact’ determine our perception and so the actions we take in response to what we perceive is happening.

So how do emotions and feelings as emotional turmoil fit into this picture?

What I’ve noticed with myself, is that whenever I hold a belief inside myself through which I perceive and act through – some form of emotion or feeling energy will emerge inside myself.

In the beginning of the series I had shared how I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil inside myself in the beginning phases of my parenting journey. When I finally had ‘enough’ of this hectic experience inside myself, it wasn’t that I was telling the emotional turmoil to just ‘stop it’; rather; I dropped the beliefs which I was holding on to which were creating emotional turmoil inside myself.

When I noticed this, I started to be more aware of the slightest movements inside myself – to challenge myself to see whether what I was experiencing was a reflection of the ‘reality I was in’; or whether the experience was there because I was holding on to an inaccurate view of reality and myself. Throughout time, this conclusion was affirmed time and time again.

When I would say be angry at my child, the situation wasn’t demanding of me to be angry – rather, I was perceiving reality in such a way that I believed anger was the appropriate response. The anger didn’t emerge and rise inside myself for me to act out on; the anger emerged to say ‘Hello, there’s a misalignment in how you’re perceiving your reality – you need to check what belief you are holding on to which is causing you to think and act inappropriately’.

I noticed that every emotion and feeling, and every single nuance that exists of it, would contain a specific message – a specific door that needed to be opened and for me to look into, a door to myself wherein I could see and assess what ‘guidelines’ as beliefs, ideas and perceptions I had set myself up to act in accordance to; beliefs, ideas and perceptions which would lead to disharmonious outcomes inside myself and my outer reality if I decided to act on them.

Have you ever noticed how uncomfortable fear, anger, anxiety, restlessness, excitement, adrenaline are experienced inside yourself and your body? It’s because they’re within their very nature disharmonious – and arise for us to reflect on ourselves, so we can ask: where we are being disharmonious inside and with ourselves? I’ve been a very emotional person throughout my life, and I never liked it. I don’t like the feeling of having this energy inside myself that I cannot direct and don’t know what to do with. That I can’t see or think past anything but what I am experiencing as the emotion or feeling presiding in that moment. I would avoid so many situations, especially social ones – simply because I knew I would be going through emotional turmoil inside myself, that I would not know what to do with it or how to direct it and so I rather not place myself in those positions at all. I absolutely hated these experiences coming up inside me, and being a slave to them. Not being able to do things that I wanted or with the confidence that I wanted, because so many things would trigger an emotional response inside myself that I decided that it was simply ‘not worth it’.

As a mother I hated it even more. I love my son to bits and I want the best for him – yet, I experience all these conflicting emotions and feelings inside myself. When I act on them I regret it as soon as the moment as past.

Learning that emotions and feelings are not here to limit us, but here to guide us, show us how we decided to diminish ourselves through inaccurate beliefs, ideas and perceptions about ourselves and the world – has been one of the greatest gifts received in my life. I don’t have to fear emotional turmoil. If emotional turmoil comes up in one way or the other, I can simply look at the message behind it, change my attitude and approach from limitation to empowerment: and the turmoil disappears.

All those emotions and feelings you battle with within your day to day living, they don’t really want to be there! They’re coming up to ask you to pleeeasse have a look at how you are living, how you are perceiving yourself and the world around you – and to make a change so they may disappear and you may leave in peace with yourself and your environment.

What’s more – is that as you become attuned to your own emotions and feelings and what they are trying to show you, you will be able to create a more effective and intimate relationship with your child. As a parent you may have noticed that a tantrum doesn’t come in a ‘single package’, but that the way children, toddlers and babies ‘act out’ differs from moment to moment, situation to situation. When we become attuned to how we’ve allowed ourselves to live by a limited version of ourselves, we can assist our children in showing them how they can empower themselves through conflicting experiences. With my own son who is but a toddler, most if not all of his tantrums manifest not because of a disharmonious perception on this side, but where he ‘acts out’ to reflect back to me where I have not been true to my utmost potential, and allowed limiting ideas and beliefs to control me, which also determine how I approach my son.

Besides my own emotional turmoil being there to guide me, I also have my son as an external reference to show me where I am going off path.

So if you can relate and find yourself going through your own experiences of emotional and feeling turmoil – then that’s great! Because guess what? It simply means there’s still a better, more improved version of yourself to be discovered and lived!

 

When you’re being challenged

toddler playing challenge leilazamoramoreno

The other day we were busy blowing bubbles outside (surprise!) and Cesar was indicating that he wanted to be the one managing and holding the bubble container and bubble blower, so that my only job was to blow bubbles.

He wasn’t paying much attention to how he was holding the container with all the liquid and would once in a while spill some and eventually pour out the entire content.

I would fill it up and try my best to explain to him how to hold the container so it won’t spill/go empty.

While I would be explaining this to him, there was a tension within myself as I knew that we only have ‘so much bubble liquid’ where I tried to make bubbles with other soaps we had and it didn’t work – so I knew that ‘this was it’ and there would be no more liquid for making bubbles if he kept pouring it out and insisting on having it refilled. So here I was coming from a fear of how he would act/react once we get to the inevitable situation where there is no more bubble liquid and so I was trying to prevent it by trying to get him to not spill/pour it out. When I noticed that I was coming from a fear I once again explained to him that we can keep going like this but that at one point there will be no more liquid to refill the container and then that will be it.

So we continue filling and pouring and filling until I added the last bit and showed him that there was ‘no more’. After which he right away threw it out all over the ground, asking for more. Then I told him, look, this is the moment I’ve been telling you about where we just can’t fill it up anymore

And then he gave me this face of like “okay”. Put the bubble container down and went off to playing with something else.  LOL

I was so scared of what would happen, but he just ‘got it’ and moved on. While everything leading up to that moment and me trying to explain and ‘reason’ with him — he was just not interested in taking my word for it and was intent on playing this refill and pour out action out to the end. And I’m actually quite happy that he did , because he should not have to take my word for it and should test things out to come to his own conclusions.

#bubbles #toddler #testing #parenting #motherhood

Pregnancy is Not for Me

Source: Pixabay

Source: Pixabay

This post is a continuation to ‘Crap. I’m Pregnant’.

At the end of the post I said I would be looking into some of the reactions and my experience within finding out that I was pregnant.

So the most predominant experience around finding out that I was pregnant was a definitive negative one. I immediately started reasoning with myself why I could not be pregnant as a way to cope and avoid the possibility of pregnancy.

Then when I found out I was pregnant, I remember cutting the lawn on our little riding grass mower, where I had to constantly pull myself out of thoughts of ‘Fuuuck, I am pregnant!!! WTF!!!’ to focusing on the task at hand and not ending up getting stuck in a hole or ditch.
After some time went by and had had the time to process this reality change, I started looking at this negative/bad experience and where it comes from. Because looking at it in a more calm state of mind, looking at the concept of ‘pregnancy’ – there’s nothing intrinsically ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ about it; which meant that at some point (or several points) throughout my life, I had created an interpretation about pregnancy which was emotionally loaded. This is now where I had already made the decision to go through with pregnancy, and obviously, I didn’t want this negative emotional experience to be running in the background while I am pregnant – I want to celebrate and enjoy pregnancy as the life-bearing and creating event that it is.

So when I looked a bit deeper into the emotion experience, I saw that – fascinatingly enough – a lot of moments and snapshots came up from movies, series as well as memories of friends and family (though mostly jokes).

In terms of series and movies, these were mostly high school/college related, where someone gets pregnant really young and this is then REALLY BAD NEWS. Since I am 22 going on 23, I consider myself ‘very young’, especially since I don’t feel much older than when I was 16….
Within this perception, where I have labelled myself as ‘young’; I immediately created the connection that ‘young’ + ‘pregnant’ = bad.

Then in terms of friends and family, there had been occasions where I had to share some ‘bad news’ where the joking response was ‘you’re not pregnant are you’ – again reconfirming the idea that pregnancy = bad.

Because I had already created a judgment about pregnancy and babies, kind of made it a ‘taboo’ subject inside my mind – I had never really explored who I am in relation to pregnancy/babies or who I would like to be.

So when I found out that I am actually pregnant and this shit is happening for real – I drew from the only information I had stored inside myself, and went into a negative experience and reaction about it.

Looking at this information inside myself and seeing how I had created this experience around pregnancy was cool, because now I could simply decide to let go of this experience, as this was not how I wanted to live my days being pregnant.

Crap. I’m Pregnant.

Source: Pixabay

Source: Pixabay

It started with being late.

Both me and my sister were late though and the other person whose part of our ‘joint’ menstrual cycle was also have some ‘discrepancies’. I had gotten all my pre-menstruation signs: some pimples on my face, chocolate craving, some nausea here and there – but no bleeding.

So the days went by and the days became a week and now I was starting to become a bit concerned. Was I maybe pregnant? Nah, my sister was also late – there was probably some reasonable explanation for this. The seasons were changing, so maybe it had something to do with that, yes, yes, it MUST be the season change…

And then my sister got her periods and she usually gets them just a bit after me so now I was getting a bit anxious. Now I seriously started to worry. Am I pregnant? Or is my cycle messed up? Not knowing was frustrating. The other day when I was at the shops with my partner I had jokingly mentioned that we should get a pregnancy test because I was late. The next day he texted me as he was going to work to ask if he shouldn’t just buy one – and I said yes. That day was weird because I was constantly shifting from Am? Or I am not? And I basically didn’t know so I had to keep on snapping myself out of it and get back to a point of ‘there’s no point worrying, just have to wait and see’.

Then he came back in the evening and I found the test in his bag and started reading the instructions and so on. It was recommended to do the test in the morning, as in the early stages the hormone the kit tests for might still be at very low levels and so it would have a better chance of picking it up in the morning as the hormone would accumulate in your pee overnight.

So I set my alarm for a bit earlier to do the testing procedure. I woke up and quickly took the kit and went to the bathroom, went over the instructions one more time and then peed on the strip. I waited for a few minutes which seemed to take forever and nothing showed up. I was a bit relieved, like Phew, ok the test went wrong, I can still NOT be pregnant. And then I looked at the strip again and there out of ‘nowhere’ two faint pink stripes started appearing slowly but surely. I remember reading that no matter how faint, a second line would indicate a positive.

This happened all so unexpectedly, against all odds ….and yet here was the pregnancy strip staring at me with two pink stripes: I am pregnant. Uh Oh.

A weird sensation went through my body but other than that I was pretty okay – there was nothing I could do except for adapt to the situation.

I was sitting on the toilet looking at the strip and thinking ‘I am not prepared for this’. Then I looked at the point and placed myself in different contexts, like in the future and having planned for a pregnancy and finding out I am pregnant and I realised: I would still not have been prepared and I would have still had the same response. There’s not really a way that you can ‘prepare’ yourself for a first pregnancy. You can read a lot of books, magazines and articles and talk to people – but when the realization hits you that there’s a little someone growing inside you and that it’s actually happening; that = you can’t prepare yourself for. This is something you just have to walk and take moment by moment and day by day.

So I left the bathroom and went to wake up my partner, shaking him and when I’d see his eyes go open I went ‘the test was positive’. I wasn’t sure how he would respond to this information so I was kind of concerned and reserved as I said it and just wanted to see how he would react. He was immediately awake and went ‘What? How did this happen?!’. But then I think he realised how what he said was coming over and his face immediately changed and he was very calm and just said ‘okay, what now?.  Because it was morning and our morning schedules run quite fast in terms of one thing happening after the other and him going off to work soon I said we’d go talk to some else later in the evening and get some perspective.

So now I knew I was pregnant but now there was a new question: where do we go from here? Do we embrace this point and continue the pregnancy or do we terminate it? So those were the two questions bugging me that day lol. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible physically so I wouldn’t torture myself with these questions.

I did look at both points and considering the pros and contras of each to see what decision to make. But since it was still going to be awhile before my partner would be home I tried to leave it as much as possible. So then my partner came home and I indicated that I wanted to talk first in our room about this before speaking to someone else. We hadn’t really talked about children before – for myself I figured we’d have kids after I was done with my studies and would have more time and assumed that my partner kind of expected the same. I knew we’d have kids because we could both see that it makes sense to bring children into this world and to raise them according to principles that you want to see being lived in the world.

So I said, let’s have “that” talk – the talk about kids that we had not yet had before. The point is here so let’s open it up, share our perspectives and see what comes out of it. So I shared my side where I was basically more coming from a concern of it being ‘bad timing’ and not having expected for this to happen so soon – which he agreed, but then we also agreed that we were going to do this at some stage anyway, and it had presented itself right here, right now…so why not? And then I asked like, do you want to have a kid and he said ‘yes’ and he asked me and I said ‘yes’ so okay, now we know we are cool with both options. The conversation itself was quite funny because here we were now, laying/sitting on the bed talking about babies and kids and I hadn’t expected myself to have that conversation any time soon, I mean, babies – at least human ones – wasn’t really part of reality on the farm I live in, so it wasn’t like it would ‘come up’ as a point often to look at. Anyway, so we had a laugh at the whole situation but we were both quite happy about what opened up and having clarity from both sides on where we stand. And so we went off to talk to talk to a friend which had always been a much valued counsellor in any matter, who would always voice his perspective even though it wasn’t always what we’d want to hear.

So we went to talk to him and he was pretty much like ‘yea I already saw it coming’ and ‘it was inevitable’ and not really showing any sign of being surprised lol –he’s kind of like that, no matter what you say to him or what news you bring (and how nervous you might be about it) he just kind of takes in the new information, re-calibrates the variables and responds in such a down to earth manner as if you’d just let him know something about the weather .
So we went over the points and we got to the point where we agreed that the support is here in terms of the our living environment and financials, and that we have everything in place to be able to do this, so why not? I cried a bit because I was a bit scared, as in actually deciding on it really made the reality of the situation settle in – the point of ‘being a mother’ was like alien to me so I had to get passed that initial shock response and then I saw I was actually quite happy and excited about the whole thing and so the decision was made and people were informed and plans were put in place.

Within this whole event it was quite interesting to see how things developed and where I myself had always seen ‘pregnancy’ and ‘being pregnant’ as some form of ‘nightmare situation’ – which was quite clear in terms of how I responded to my periods being late and actually finding out that I was pregnant – it hadn’t been a pleasant experience. And I remember looking at it, and asking myself like, why am I being so worried and basically ‘negative’ about it – where does this come from?

And then the contrast of actually talking to my partner and talking to other people and simply embracing and being excited about it afterwards felt really ‘natural’ in terms of ‘this is how it’s supposed to be’ and I didn’t get why I had made such a big deal about it in my head previously.

As I was busy writing this blog, I also had massive reactions towards whenever typing the word ‘mother’ – and I almost had a gag reflexes going on as I was typing M-o-t-h-e-r. So this distinctively negative experience and reaction to the word is something I want to investigate for myself and see how I can change my relationship and attitude towards the word mother, and so being a mother myself.

Stay tuned!