Sometimes you just have to Start – Anywhere

gardening weeding farmlife leilazamoramoreno

Two days ago, this little driveway garden was a complete mess. It was so overgrown, you could barely see that anything was planted there. Everyone was kind of standing around, looking at which section would be a good start. But it was so messy, there was really no one good spot to start, each section looked just as dreadful as the next. It was funny, cause it looked like everyone was kind of realising this at the same moment, where everyone just took a deep breath, moved to the little garden and put their hands in a random spot, and just got started. After spending 2 half hour sessions taking the excess overgrown grass out, we’re almost done and can plant new additions to the garden. This reminds me of when we go through our own mountains, where we face a personal crisis and it just seems ‘so big’, and it’s ‘so messy’ – you don’t know where to start. Looking at the problem, you feel disencouraged and you believe you’ll never get to the end of it. But just as with this garden, it doesn’t matter where you start, you just got to start somewhere. And just as with the garden, the amount of work and time something will take is mostly exaggerated in our minds. Once we get to it, it’s actually not that bad.

Also – who knew Sunette could weed so gracefully? Lol

#nature #gardening #weeding #reflection #introspection #selfimprovement #selfempowerment #landscaping #innerscaping #knowthyself

 

From Self-Pity to Self-Recognition | Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

self pity self recognition parenting emotional turmoil

For this blog I will be using an example of my son and his experience of Self-Pity, as the simplicity within which children at a young age experience and observe the world can be a helpful reference.

When my son was just able to start walking, he discovered he can walk to my desk and then get underneath my desk by crawling on his hands and knees. On his way back out however, where he is crawling out from underneath the desk, he had the tendency to stand up too early and so hit his head on the edge of the desk. Initially, he didn’t really mind. Sure, it would hurt, but then it was over quick and soon enough he’d find his way back underneath my desk. But once this pattern started repeating itself, he wouldn’t just cry – he would get emotional about it. He wasn’t just crying because of the physical pain, but from a sense of unfairness, in a way asking “Why does this keep happening to me?!” And then he would come to me looking for comfort. Though, instead of comforting him which would validate his sense of victimhood, I instead showed him how he has been replaying and re-creating this event. I showed him how he each time just guesses ‘when’ and ‘where’ to stand up – and doesn’t actually check whether he is steering clear from the desk. I would crawl underneath the desk, then crawl back out – LOOK above me and show him when I am still under the desk, knock on the desk to show where I would hurt myself. Then crawl more look to make sure I am out from underneath the desk, and only then stand up. Then I did the same thing, with him crawling with me and going through the steps.

Ever since then, he crawls in and out and practices his ‘check points’ to make sure he is moving in and out without hurting himself, rather than going on assumption.

If I had merely comforted him each time he hurt himself, he would have felt better about himself – but he would not have gained a practical solution to empower himself. Instead, he would keep replaying the same pattern, feeling bad, needing someone to make him feel better, and then hit his head again. The comfort provides a short-term release but does not provide him with the problem-solving skill he needs in the long turn to overcome an obstacle or challenge – and prevent it from reoccurring.

To be able to empower himself into a solution oriented direction, he first had to acknowledge and recognize his short-coming, without judging or victimizing himself for that particular short-coming. In this example, the short-coming was that he was participating in assumption instead of checking in with reality. Unless we recognize where we are at, we cannot constructively move forward. When he would go into victimization, he wasn’t looking at himself and how he could change – instead the desk was to blame, the desk was seen as the origin of all his suffering and it was the desk that needed to change. If he had moved forward with that information, he would still encounter the same issue because his perception was providing him with inaccurate information.

So whenever you face a situation where you experience self-pity in relation to a particular obstacle or challenge, it’s important to ‘get the facts straight’ within applying Self-Recognition.

What is the reality of the situation? Where am I being ineffective in my approach? Where am I empowering myself? What steps have I already taken to resolve this problem? Have I taken and considered all the steps to resolve this obstacle/challenge absolutely? Do I have the capacity to resolve this particular obstacle/challenge by myself? Do I require the assistance and support of another to walk through this obstacle?

Often, self-pity sets in when we face a challenge which requires us to move out of our comfort zone, a challenge which demands personal expansion. We can either recognize our shortcomings, support ourselves to change and move beyond them – or, we can judge ourselves for our shortcomings, victimize ourselves and seek recognition from others that our shortcomings as limitations are ‘very real’ and that others are to blame, to make ourselves feel better without actually changing or moving forward.

 

From Guilt to Accountability | Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

guilt accountability parenting emotional turmoil leilazamoramoreno

In this blog, I will be using the example from my previous post ‘From Anger to Integrity’, to elaborate on the regret and guilt dimension which played out in the scenario. Please read this blog first to gain full context.

So in my previous blog, we walked an example of how we tend to act while emotions are high, and end up regretting the course of action we took. This leaves a bitter taste in the mouth which we experience as guilt and regret.

Now, a fascinating thing with Guilt, is that we use guilt as a self-punishing instrument. The moment we act in a way which we perceive is wrong or contrary to our personal principles, guilt sets in where we feel bad about ourselves and feel ourselves being stuck in a rut.

What I noticed with myself, when taking a course of action with my son which I would regret – is that I would go through a period of feeling really bad about myself and putting myself down. However, as soon as another opportunity arose – it was very easy to make the exact same mistake again – only to be followed by another ‘guilt session’.

Within this, the act of feeling guilty and indulging in this experience was in essence ‘punishment enough’. Where I did something wrong, ‘paid for it’ – and was then able to once more go about doing as I please. We find this pattern in our own religious belief systems as well. We will go for confession and ‘confess our sins’ while feeling bad for it – be forgiven, but come next Sunday we are right back at square one asking forgiveness for the same sins.

In my parenting journey, it became invaluable to not remain stuck and indulge in an experience of guilt. Feeling guilty and deliberately prolonging the experience by participating in self-diminishing thoughts only places you in a position of disempowerment. How you’re ‘such a bad parent’ or ‘how inadequate you are’. These are all statements where we condemn ourselves to remain stuck, and define ourselves by our weaknesses. Instead, I learnt to listen to the message behind Guilt – which is that of Personal Accountability.

When I find myself feeling guilty after a particular action of behaviour, I check my actions and ask myself where, how and why I acted contrary to my principles. The experience of guilt lets me now that I strayed from my moral compass and that there is a lesson to be learnt. Instead of indulging and plunging in the emotional storm of guilt, I ask myself what course of action would have been appropriate. I immediately commit myself to live this this course of action as a correction and to remind myself of this particular weakness I identified within myself. The moment I embrace this commitment and set myself up for success next time around – any feeling of guilt disappears. So just like anger, guilt does not arise for us to punish ourselves and tell us ‘how bad’ we are. It’s a flag in our biofeedback system indicating that there is an improvement in our approach which needs to take place. Guilt lets us know we made a mistake. It’s an indication for yourself to take responsibility for your actions and to restore your trust in yourself. After all, nobody likes it when someone says ‘sorry’ but fails to follow through in adjusting their behaviour. What makes an admission of remorse real is not the utterance of it, but the actions which follow.

On another note – I have also experienced adjusting my behaviour and approach the next time a similar situation took place, but where instead of being clear inside myself, I would experience a sensation of discomfort inside myself.

Guilt is linked to our moral compass and comes about when we move in a different direction than the one our compass dictates. Yet sometimes (or for some maybe often), it is not the behaviour or approach we need to change – but the morals we were responding to. Our sense of right and wrong is established in our childhood years where we absorb what is right and wrong from our parents, family, school, friends – you name it. We often copy beliefs and morals believing they are ‘the right thing to do’ because others told us so, without checking whether we actually agree with these beliefs/morals. Often, these morals are imposed to use using some kind of emotional enforcement. If we don’t obey/comply to the morals set out for us, we get punished, excluded – leaving ourselves feeling alone and unaccepted. To avoid these experiences, we behave as we are expected to behave by our environment, and not because we agree with the morals presented to us.

Say your parents were very intolerant of any kind of crying in the house. Crying is seen as a form of weakness and not to be tolerated. When you were found crying you received comments to ‘man up’ and ‘get over it already’. Now, many years later you have a baby. Your baby is crying for no apparent reason and you pick your baby up to comfort her. While you are holding and rocking her, you feel guilty for ‘giving in’ to your crying baby. You think you are being weak and that indulging in comforting her will cause her to develop a weak and dependent character.

Now say that because of this, you promise to next time leave your baby to ‘cry it out’. The next time comes around and you leave your baby to cry it out. On the one hand you praise yourself for your discipline but on the other hand you feel very uncomfortable and sad about the whole situation.

In such a scenario (which I personally went through as well!), it’s important to take a moment to evaluate your compass. Do you really stand by the moral dictated by your compass? Do you really believe and stand by it? Or have you conditioned to stand by it to avoid uncomfortable experiences and criticism of others?

Here, it can be valuable to investigate your own childhood, to see how you responded to such an approach and whether it had the best possible outcome for you. You can for yourself, play out the future of your own child. If you uphold this approach and behaviour in the long-run, will you achieve the long term goals you have set for yourself as a parent as well as for your child? This can sometimes be difficult to emulate, as we often only tend to draw from our own experiences. If ignoring and suppressing crying is all you have ever known, it can be hard to imagine how things could have turned out if your parents had opted for a different approach. When I face an impasse like this, I reach out to other people and do my own research on the internet. Even if I am not sure of a new approach or suggestion, I will push myself to test it out unconditionally to see what the results are. Remember though that each person’s perspective and suggestions may not always work for you as not everyone finds themselves in the same situation, nor do we all have the same children. Find what works for you and be honest with yourself whether you are satisfied or not with the approach you are taking. This is part of being accountable to yourself. To be fully cognizant of the decisions we make and to be able to stand by them. All too often I found my parenting mistakes to be rooted in copied beliefs and morals from my own parents, media, schooling etc. This is in part what I love about my parenting journey. To constantly assess and evaluate any ‘hidden’ beliefs or morals, to check whether I agree full heartedly with them – and to change them if need to be. As a child,I lacked the autonomy and skill to establish these for myself. As an adult with my own child, I am bound to revisit these and can filter out the junk and keep what’s good.

 

From Anger to Integrity | Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

anger and integrity

Anger is one of the emotions I faced a lot within my personal journey, and one I made a priority to deal with. Becoming angry and acting out in anger – would only lead to guilt and regret. Anger, was a real (d)anger.

Let’s look at a simple scenario to place how anger can play out and what we can learn from it.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Say, you’ve had a long day (as is every day when you are parenting a young baby/toddler) and you’ve finally found a moment to sit down and catch up on your emails. Your baby is crawling around by itself, and you pray to god that he will continue entertaining himself. As you’re clicking and reading away, you realise that your baby found your cell phone and seems quite fascinated by the lights and movements it makes as he swipes on it. You cringe inside yourself, because you know your baby doesn’t have the concept of what a phone is, how easily phones break these days and the type of financial investment they are. You really don’t want him to play with it.

But… on the other hand… you are finally having some sweet time to yourself. If you intervene and remove the phone, baby might get fussy and then it’s bye-bye me time. You weigh your options and decide to take the risk of letting baby play with the phone.

Click, click, click….Scroll, scroll, scroll. You realise how long you’ve been reading your emails and you check up on what your baby’s up to.

Oh My God!!

Did he just SLOBBER all over the phone?? Are those BITEMARKS???

You get up, rip the phone out of baby’s hands and start shouting that he must NOT PLAY WITH THE PHONE!!

Baby started crying the moment you stood up energetically and ripped the phone away. Now he’s REAL FUSSY. You see the devastating look on his face, how he has no idea what just happened. You realise the look on your own face, piercing through his heart. You regret what you did immediately, you soften up and try to comfort him.

———————————————————————————————————————————

So let’s have a look what we can learn from anger in such scenarios.

First thing I realised, is that whenever I get angry at my son, I am not actually angry at him – I’m angry at myself.

I’m upset with myself without even realising it, and instead of listening to myself and directing myself – I project the issue unto my son as if he is to blame for my experience.

Second thing I realised, is that when I get angry, it’s already too late. Why is that? Anger in itself, is a statement of ‘this is unacceptable’ – a boundary or line has been crossed. In the example above, we can see that the boundary or line was crossed the moment we decided to forgo our own common sense. The common sense being: I don’t want, and can’t afford to get my phone ruined – baby should not have access to my phone.  Instead, we decided to *hope* that by some miracle the phone would be alright (which who knows, could have happened – but you don’t have any control over that) and so gave away our power to direct the situation from the get to and leave the outcome up to ‘fate’.

Then, when fate turns against us – now we get emotionally charged and angry at our baby. But why? Didn’t we make the decision to not intervene? Didn’t we leave the outcome up to chance? And now suddenly the baby has to pay for it?

This brings me to the solution of dealing with anger, which is Integrity.

What does integrity mean? Integrity means to live and uphold your principles. As within, so without.
Furthermore, integrity is linked to wholeness through its root in the word ‘intact’. Within being whole with yourself, you are living and standing undivided. Yet, the moment you uphold principles within yourself but not live/act upon them – you stand divided within yourself and so ‘cross your own boundary’. You get angry, at yourself.

Within this I realised, that the essence of anger is essentially hypocrisy, something I didn’t like seeing or realising – but cut straight to the point, and allowed me to see my adult tantrums for what they were.

So whenever I get angry or get the slightest irritation or frustration boil up inside me – I stop – and I ask myself: where am I not being true to myself? Where did I make a decision to ‘slack’ and not live up to my principles, and my utmost potential that I know I can live by? Where, and how could I have done something differently? Where am I being divided, split inside myself?

Through working and developing your own personal integrity, we can avoid these situation where we burst out and have an outcome we regret. These rash emotions and feelings which rise up, they are not here to be ‘acted out’ – they are part of our biofeedback system, pointing at a message we have yet to embrace.

Whenever you get angry, remind yourself of the word Integrity. There are two sides of the same coin, we just need the courage the flip the coin over and hear the message we require to learn.

The Art of Horsemanship, starts with Self-Mastery

horse woman leilazamoramoreno

When I first got into contact with horses on a daily basis, I was already walking a process of Self-Investigation – analysing who I am and where I can improve myself to my make daily life and living more effective and enjoyable. For me, spending time with horses was a ‘hobby’, something I would do for fun to ‘take my mind of things’. Yet, soon enough – it became very clear that working with horses and spending time with them was not the kind of ‘break’ I was looking for. Quite the opposite happened actually. My buttons were continuously being pushed, and no matter how much I just wanted to ‘relax’ and enjoy myself around the horses and specifically the horse I ended up having as my companion, I found myself in an almost constant state of inner conflict. I really wanted to get to know my horse and have a fun relationship, but he was bullying me around and I was anxious just being around him. When I had first met him at the farm he was staying before coming to live with us, he seemed like a sweet and grounded horse. But when it came to daily interaction, a whole new dynamic came to the surface. In the first few weeks, I’d need to keep his halter on in the stable while grooming because he was very pissy and all too happy to bite/nip to express his. With the assistance of others, I was able to set boundaries and stabilise myself through addressing my fear relationship with him.

When I was a child, I got my share of beatings – this left a very deep impression on me which affected my entire life (and is something I am still working through). Now, having this BIG animal with massive strength and power around me – it scared the living shit out of me. Just seeing him, seeing his grumpy expression and the intensity of him movements whether directed towards me or not – would trigger all sorts of memories bringing me back to my childhood, scared, insecure self. When I was a child, all I would do to cope with the situation is to draw back inside myself and wait the situation out while sitting in complete fear and petrification.

My experience of myself around my horse was absolutely awful. Either I would stop participating with horses, or I would change and empower myself – teach and give myself the tools I did not have as a child, to find a constructive way to work with another being who is angry and plays this out physically – without getting hurt and going into self-diminishment in the process.

This has shown to be a very challenging task. Every fibre of my being has since childhood been set up to avoid conflict situations at any and all costs, especially situations where things could get physical. It was very difficult to give up my primary coping mechanism as the survival skill I developed in situations of conflict. I had to constantly remind myself that I was no longer a child and in a position of powerlessness. I was an adult now and I did not have to be a victim of the situation. I was very scared to change, because all I knew was that ‘avoidance’ would keep me safe. So every day, I would make the deliberate effort to change. To be present, here and work with my horse regardless of the anxiety inside myself. I was taught to take notice of my posture and body language, as any emotional instability would translate into a particular body posture, which would draw out a particular response from the horse. Horses are herd animals as well as prey animals. Their survival and well-being depends on effective leadership. Someone who knows what they are doing. If you are scared, fearful, and go into states of self-diminishment – it is logical to the horse to get rid of you or at least ‘know your place’ in the hierarchy with all the consequences that come with it.

Not only are horses very perceptive of the state of being of their fellow herd members, but they are perceptive of the state of being of any human or animal that gets into their environment. In the wild, a predator who’s just had a nice meal and is fully satisfied can stroll by a herd of horses and the horses will peacefully graze on – because they already picked up on this state of being from miles away. If that same animal however would have approached them in a state of hunting, they would have ran off the moment they picked up on the animal. Much of their behaviour is determined by ‘where everyone else is at’. This became very clear that, as I changed – my horse would change. And so my horse would become the mirror reflection of myself and my state of being. Challenging me, pushing me, checking where I am at and responding accordingly.

Unfortunately, many people do not consider this aspect when working with a horse or any other animal for that matter. If a horse is being unruly, then simply more control and force is used. Someone in my position, then easily moves from being a victim to being a perpetrator – doing unto the horse exactly that which had been done unto self. Horses, in their kind forgiving nature – will put up with this behaviour until they have either had enough (at which point they get sold or sent to the slaughter house) or until they collapse under physical strain and pressure.

To have a willing, trusting and cooperative relationship with your horse – Self-Mastery is absolutely essential. This means constant evaluation and assessment of yourself and your horse. Never assume that your horse is simply being an ‘irrational animal’. This great creatures are very advanced processing machines – to call them stupid would be a deflection of our own inability to see beyond our limited perspectives.

What you Believe is what you Get | Parenting & Emotional Turmoil

Source: Pixabay

Source: Pixabay

In my previous blog I laid out how many of us have come to accept conflict, strife and struggle as the ‘natural way of being’; the norm of our everyday experience. Since we have been holding on to this belief steadfastly for longest time throughout history, we’ve created a world which reflects our belief of ‘what reality is’ and ‘how reality operates’. This places us in an unfortunate feedback loop, as we inside ourselves believe that ‘life is struggle’ – then with our own eyes and ears observe the world around living in struggle and conflict – using this observation as evidence that = yes, indeed, my belief is accurate = living is constant struggle and conflict; and so there’s no point to further question this premise. Because we create what we hold as truth, it’s hard to even conceptualize and imagine ourselves living in harmony and having an external environment which is harmonious.

What we forget to consider is how our beliefs and all those things we consider to be ‘facts’ and ‘truths’ shape our behaviour, perception and actions to fit and match the belief we hold as truth or fact, and so how we are the ones ‘making it so’.

Let’s take for example the belief that ‘children need to civilised’. With civilised meaning ‘being cooperative and acting according to social standards’.

You hold this to be a truth, a fact of life. Now one day, you visit family with your young baby/toddler who’s recently learnt how to walk and has acquired some very basic motor skills. While you’re catching up and drinking coffee, your little one strolls around and seems to be captivated by all the plants and flowers in pots. Your little one grabs a flower and pulls it off. Then takes another one and pulls it off. It takes you a few moments to realise what your child is up to, that when you look at your child there’s already a bunch of leaves and flowers on the floor and your child is just picking away. A surge of energy runs through your body and you shout out ‘Bad Lily!’ (Or whatever your child’s name might be). ‘Stop it!’ and you grab the baby away who in the meantime has a look of petrification and confusion on its face as she’s still trying to figure out what just happened and why she’s so bad. You put her in a corner and tell her to ‘stay there’ to teach her lesson. Picking flowers and leaves is bad, you are killing the plant and you are destroying our host’s decoration. Bad, bad bad!
You go sit down sighing, thinking why your child is always doing these inappropriate things, like she’s out to get you and never give you an easy time. You think about how it’s just going to take more time to discipline her and have her learn her place and that this won’t go on forever.

Within this example, the parent had already made up its mind that children are inherently naughty and a disturbance, requiring to go through a training or disciplining process to have them ‘behave correctly’.

When my little one started pulling off flowers and leaves for the first time, I also got a fright. I immediately assumed I had to stop and intervene, that this was ‘bad’. I noticed the surge of energy inside myself, and instead decided to take a deep breath and really look at the situation. He kept pulling off flowers, and then he would pick them up and try to ‘put them back’. Yet they’d just dwindle down to the ground. He tried a few more times and went ‘Oh’.
He didn’t go to the plants and flowers with the intention inside himself of ‘I am going to kill this plant and destroy this pretty garden gna gna gna’. He just kind of looked at the plants, the flowers, got curious about what they’re all about. Without knowing why he started picking at the flowers, checking what happens. He tries to put them back. Hmm, they fall back off. That’s interesting. So once they are off, they’re off.

He was going through a genuine learning experience, figuring out how things work. What happens if I do this? What happens if I do that?

So I joined him and I talked to him about the plants and how if you pick a flower, the flower cannot be put back. How the flower will not have access to water from the plant and its root system and eventually wilt and die. Now he learnt something about plants.

If we go back to the example of shunning and reprimanding your child, where you assume they are being bad because you’ve already decided that they are inherently bad and act on negative impulses – then you end up with a child in the corner who looks like they are bad. You end up with what you believed about the child because your perceptions and actions were guided by the belief which you held as ‘fact’ and ‘truth’. Was the child really bad? No, they were just exploring. They did not intend to ruin your day or upset you, that’ something you did. You decided to react and believe that all these ‘bad and terrible things’ are happening to you. The child didn’t intend to kill the plant or destroy household decoration. They don’t even have a concept of what that means or entails.

If this is a repetitive behaviour on the parent’s side, the child will learn that it is not safe to explore and be curious in the presence of the parents, and start doing things in secret in hiding. It will start doing and playing with things when you’re not around and where you are unable to guide them or prevent harm because they believe there is no other way that they can express their curiosity without your intervention and reprimanding. Now you find your child has been breaking things after the fact. Oh my god, I have such a bad child. Not seeing and realising that we pushed the child in that position where we are not guiding them through learning experiences to come to a point of understanding, but merely wanting them to behave ‘good’ without explaining or substantiating what that actually means.

This type of disharmonious behaviour becomes the result and consequence of holding to beliefs which are disharmonious to the true nature of reality, as the utmost potential of what Life on Earth can be.

I know finished my previous blog stating I would go further into why emotional conflict and turmoil exists, though for this blog I found it necessary to illustrate how what we believe and hold as ‘truth’ and ‘fact’ does not have to be in fact so, so that we can learn to be open to alternative possibilities and that our experience of how ‘the way things are’ doesn’t have to be an unchangeable reality, but is something that we create in every moment of our day to day living.

See you in the next blog!

 

 

Parenting and Emotional Turmoil – Emotions are not the Enemy!

andrewgable emotional turmoil parenting leilazamoramoreno

Within blogs to come, I want to open up the topic of Emotional Turmoil within parenting.

Emotional Turmoil has been something which has been present within myself within my own parenting journey from the get go, and seems to be a reoccurring theme on a daily basis. This doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy parenting or have fun with my child, but that regardless of my intention to have a harmoniously relationship with my child, inner conflict in the form of Emotional Turmoil will always come and stick up its head.

Topics will range from:
– Can I have a harmoniously relationship with my child?
– Is it possible for parenting to not be ‘so hard’?
– Is conflict and frustration inevitable and a normal part of the parenting journey? – Why do I experience so much Emotional Turmoil?
– What are my inner conflicts as my emotions and feelings trying to tell me?
– Is it okay to acknowledge my emotional Turmoil or must I be strong and simply push it away?

Keep an eye on the blogs to come, and hopefully you will enjoy the journey as much as I do!

Leila

#parenting #emotionalturmoil #selfempowerment #motherhood #psychology #challenges
Original art by @andrewgableart from his Self-Empowerment series:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/262851825/chaos-halo-psychological-drawing-by

Website: http://andrewgableart.com/

The End and the Beginning

mother son birth leilazamoramoreno

Flashback…
Oh how I did not know what I was getting myself into! The last few months of pregnancy had been such a rough ride, I didn’t really care what was about to unfold – I was just happy that the pain and strain of carrying a baby inside was over. The few days at the hospital were nice for my body to recover but I couldn’t wait to get out and get the parenting journey started for real. Because Cesar’s blood sugar levels were low I couldn’t see him much as they wanted to keep close tabs on him. This was quite rough for me because I wanted nothing more than keeping him close to me and embrace his presence. Though in the moments that I had him with me I had so many insecurity and doubts about myself and how I would be as a mother that the slightest cry of him set off a tornado of conflicting emotions. I wanted him close – but I didn’t know how to soothe him, let alone direct all the experiences rushing around inside myself – being glad and sad when someone would come to take him off my hands.
Holding this new, frail life inside your hands, being completely dependent on you – it brings up so many experiences, worries, insecurities and doubts. It brings who you are and what you have been living into a whole new perspective, and the only way to go forward is to change all those parts of you so you can be in the best possible position to support another life. There’s really nothing quite like it. The responsibility is immense, the gifts that flow from it are great.

#flashback #birth #hospital #baby #firsttimemom #selfreflection #introspection #mother #newlife #dependency #responsibility #giftofparenting

Challenge yourself

upcycled bottle craft

With crafting, I enjoy trying out different things and acquiring new skills. Often, I come up with an idea but I do not yet have the acquired tools or skills to practically manifest whatever idea came up. Even more often, I will want to put the idea to rest because I believe that it will simply be too difficult, or that I simply don’t see myself as a person ‘who has this skill’. Playing and experimenting for a little while now, I’ve learnt that every new project or challenge is simply a matter of mastering new vocabulary. Kind of like upgrading your system with an additional manual. Once the information is clear and integrated, you can simply carry it out. I also push myself to make the most of the materials I already have, using materials from past projects into new combinations – challenging myself to keep my eyes open to what is possible, and then pushing myself to realise what is possible.

Here I made a vase from an old bottle and sculpted some flowers with leaves out of polymer clay.

#crafting #selfimprovement #selfexpansion #selfdevelopment #learnsomethingnew #challengeyourself #upcycle #recycle #proveyourselfwrong #diy #crafts

Horses and Conflict

charlie horse thoroughbred natural horsemanship
One of the gifts Charlie has shared with me, is that of embracing conflict. He can be quite the grumpy horse, and when something doesn’t suit him – he has no problem being very direct about it. Through his patience ( and those around me lol) I’ve learnt to make his own directiveness my own, and be equally direct about unacceptable behavior. While avoiding conflict seems the easy way out, you only postpone and accumulate more conflict over time. While it doesn’t seem very appealing to face conflict head on, it’s the only way to establish a clear line of communication and building trust among one another – animals and humans alike. Where I used to fear Charlie showing me a point of conflict, I now embrace it and even get a bit excited – because I know that by addressing, opening up and aligning the conflict, we are able to take our relationship a step further. I am grateful for Charlie and all the horses for having shown me that conflict is merely a gateway to change – don’t be afraid to step into it!


#horses #conflict #leadership #selfempowerment #selfdevelopment #equinetherapy #selfimprovement #thoroughbred #naturalhorsemanship @destenifarm