Fear of Making Mistakes & Unconditional Hate

I was listening to an old interview from Bernard the other day while doing some admin work. After the interview was done I put down my headphones, let out a big sigh and push/rolled my chair away from my desk with my feet and just kind of ‘collapsed’ in my chair.

I was feeling majorly deflated.

There was just so much information, so much information that I would have never come up myself.

It reminded me of a conversation we had just before he died, where I was pregnant and he was explaining to me all the things that were happening as the baby was developing in utero. The conversation ended with ‘Do you understand now how little you actually understand of what’s really going on?’ – with me sadly nodding in defeat, sighing ‘yes…’ (cause you knew Bernard would always demand a CLEAR YES or NO or NOT YET– nodding or ‘mmm’ is not a present, direct answer!)

I was reflecting on some of my visions and plans of the future while in this deflated state and didn’t see the point of continuing my efforts in it. ‘What’s the point? There’s so little I really understand – I’m going to be making mistakes all the time! I’m probably making huge mistakes right now and I’m not even seeing it! I’m in way over my head!’

‘That’s it then’ I was thinking ‘This is just out of my reach’.

Then I felt this veil of suppression and depression slowly moving down in my body. I went ‘waaait a minute, what’s going on here?!’

See – my logical mind went: you clearly know shit compared to Bernard. Therefore you are less, therefore you’re inadequate and incapable and therefore why even bother. Which on some level is not completely untrue. I am not equal to Bernard in his understanding and application. Equal in potential, yes sure, as are we all – but not equal in fact. And here I’m not so much talking about Bernard the person, but more Bernard as Life. I am not equal to Life, I am less than Life – that’s not a judgment, it’s a fact.

But it’s the judgment part that always gets to me. It’s the judgment part that goes ‘Shame on you for not being Life yet, shame – on – YOU!’ And it’s the fear of judgment part of me that goes ‘Don’t change, because if you change, you’re actually acknowledging that something’s wrong with you, that you’re less than, that you’re…bad!’

It’s like my head can’t wrap itself around the possibility that you can be less than – yet – not be bad. That – there MUST be some kind of value judgment involved. There MUST BE some form of condemnation. There MUST BE someone who PAYS and there MUST BE someone who WINS and gets APPRAISED.

So – I had to look at these dimensions for a moment. ‘Yes, you’re less than Bernard, no that’s not a good enough reason to be all deflated and give up on everything’.

‘But I’ll make soooo many mistakes.’ (Ok so I don’t have actual dialogues with myself lol but I present myself with ‘thought-form arguments’ and then break it down for myself, move through the information, ground it for myself to ‘get to the point’ and what the correction is – but it works well to present it in a dialogue form for the sake of sharing )

‘So what, every mistake just shows you where your misalignments are, so you can correct them.’

‘Yeah but, I bet there’s soooo many, and it’s just going to be sooo embarrassing to see them all!’

                ‘So you don’t want to go forward, because it’s going to reveal your weaknesses and where you haven’t considered all dimensions because then you’ll find out exactly how little you actually understand about reality and yourself and how much room for improvement there is’

‘Yessss, exactly!’

                ‘So you don’t want to see yourself. You don’t want to reveal YOU to YOU’.

‘No, but, but, I do, because, that’s like why I walk process’

                ‘No you don’t, cause you’re just scared and super judgey towards yourself’

*GASP*

See, it’s not mistakes I fear. It’s my own hell and fury that I unleash unto myself when I do see a mistake. All my attention and focus gets sucked into the fact that I made a mistake. Not – why I made a mistake or what I can learn, if it was really even a mistake or just me feeling bad about myself for some other random reason.

Later that day I was doing a Life Alignment session on myself, and one of the words that tested out was ‘Unconditional Love’.

I was looking at these words ‘Unconditional Love’ and how there’s not much of that being lived in my life. I decided to turn it around and go, if I’m not Unconditionally Loving towards myself and others – am I then just Unconditionally Hating? Kind of a point of ‘you can’t serve two masters’.

It was a bit of a comical moment when that came up. Unconditional Hate – lol. But – there’s truth in that. I give myself and others a lot of hate – and if I need to come up with a good reason, well, there is no good reason. It’s just ‘what I do’ and just ‘how I live’ – just judge here, judge there, judge some more. And it’s because there’s no reason, that it’s just so unconditional.

But if it’s unconditional then I can change it. Cause it’s just a decision. It’s just something I decided to live. I decide to unleash hell and fury unto myself when seeing mistakes. But I don’t have to. Mistakes will come and go, for sure, they’re not going away. They’re a certainty in this Life, I’m going to make mistakes and I better see them, I better reveal them so I can work at it. BUT – I don’t have to thrash myself every time, that’s totally optional. And it’s only for the love of thrashing myself, that I don’t want to see the mistakes because then I start punishing myself. And I only love thrashing myself, because on some level I decided to unconditionally hate myself. And then I don’t change – because then all the focus is on ‘how bad I am’ and ‘how am I going to make myself feel better’ and not the who, what and why of a mistake – and then the ‘not changing’ becomes even more reason for being a total bitch towards myself.

So for this week I am going to pay attention to my experiences in relation to mistakes (though I am sure this also works for pretty much any experience):

  1. Is this necessary or is this optional?
  2. Does this serve me?
  3. Is there a better way of going about this?

And report back in my blog. Let’s see if we can turn this inner bitch around!

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