In my previous blog, I discussed my relationship with making mistakes, not wanting to see mistakes because of the level of judgment attached to ‘making mistakes’ and ‘admitting mistakes’.
This assisted me in having a clearer perspective in dealing with mistakes in the week that came after. There was more of an openness and embrace that stepped forth to be willing to look at my mistakes instead of shunning away from them.
But, as with many paths in life – when we look at a path and we see a roadblock and we take a long time to muster the courage to overcome it – we suddenly expect that everything will go ‘just fine’ and that all it took, was this one goddamn hurdle and then things will just fall into place.
But in reality, you’ll get past that roadblock to then only realise that the road ahead is muddy and you’re wearing the wrong pair of shoes! Another roadblock lol.
And then it’s soooo easy to want to give up
While yes, oftentimes, the decision to get started on something is the biggest hurdle, it by no means grants you a smooth passage forward. Just more roadblocks, in different shapes and sizes, more layers within ourselves we need to embrace and give direction. But hey, you’re a few steps forward each time, you learn something new about yourself and you let go of a false limitation and self-belief.
Anyway – there I was, face to face with my mistake – slightly proud, that I was busy correcting my pattern to then realise ‘Oh shit, just because I’m willing to see my mistakes, doesn’t mean I immediately see how to direct or correct it’. Because with this mistake, I knew that how I responded was not ideal, there was something off about how I handled it; yet at the same time – I also wasn’t quite sure what the best way forward was. There, I went a bit into a low, cause I hadn’t looked ‘that far ahead’ and had expected for things to just unfold from there. I developed a direction, that seemed best with the info I had that time – but was still a bit disappointed that facing my mistake didn’t magically manifest the correction and way forward. I still need to test things out, get feedback and finetune as I go along.
Then – there was another instance, where I did see the mistake and solution simultaneously. But I didn’t like what I saw. And suddenly I got very, very, tired. Like – ‘I-want-to-go-to-bed-at-7PM-in-the-evening’-tired (I didn’t though) and – ‘I-slept-for-8-hours-yet-I’m-still-tired-what’s-going-on’-tired.
All-day long I was walking around asking myself ‘Why am I so tired?’, ‘Are my periods coming soon, is that why I am so tired?’
Being tired of the same repetitive thought, I then re-winded in time to see where and when this tiredness had set in. And it was: when I was looking at the correction for the mistake.
I zoomed in a bit better to find that exact moment where I dropped and sank inside myself. I played it in slow-motion for myself and saw that it was in seeing the correction, yet immediately perceiving and believing myself to be completely incapable of carrying out the correction. Where – I could see the correction, yet at the same time inside myself went ‘well, that’s off the table, no point even looking at it cause there’s just no way I can do that. Other people maybe, but not me.’
Boom – powerlessness set in.
And I started losing my power / energy, slowly draining away into a dark pit of despair.
This reminded me of many previous instances when faced with mistakes, where I would go into judgment, punishment, isolation and what not.
When you come face to face with a mistake – you can either correct it, or you don’t – on a basic, simplistic level.
What I found with myself, is that very often: I wouldn’t.
Not so much consciously, but unconsciously I would anticipate that I am not going to be able to live up to the correction so ‘why bother’.
At the same time, you can’t ‘unsee’ your mistake or ‘pretend it never happened’. That part of you that reminds you of your accountability, tells you that this mistake requires some kind of response or action. But what kind of response do you give to a mistake that you “know” you’re not going to correct?
That’s where the self-judgment or depression or some form of self-compromise – anything that makes me ‘feel bad’ and ‘make me suffer’ comes in. To show that ‘look, I am giving this mistake attention, I am looking at it and contemplating my mistake’.
All the while knowing that honestly, I wasn’t going to move on correcting it. At least not really. I’m just going to feel bad for a while, and then I’ll find a reason to feel better and then it will all be okay again.
The sad thing is, that it’s not because I don’t care that I don’t move on the correction, but because I believe I’m just not capable. I don’t care enough about myself to find out, learn, explore and develop into a capacity to carry it out – that I settle for feeling shitty. Self-Punishment being a weak substitute for correction.
More to come in my next post…
In the meantime, you can check some of these EQAFE interviews!
Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness – Quantum Mind Self Awareness (Note to self: if you don’t know why you’re tired, just run it through the EQAFE search engine)