Being in the Here, being in the Now of the Moment – I for a long time assumed that this meant that I am only Here and ‘in the moment’ when there is complete Silence within me. That I am ‘Here’, only when I am directing all of me Here and nothing moves within me that was not a directive choice, decision and direction.
Even in my most earnest attempts to be aware of my body and my breathing, where I could feel I am slowing down, I am more grounded and nothing inside me would move, except as a decision of myself – after some time something in my environment would trigger a flash of fear and petrification.
I’d be stunned and overwhelmed, because ‘I did all the right things’ and yet there are still things happening and moving within me that are taking place without my directive decision to do so, it just ‘happens’.
I felt like a kid who had been meticulously building a sandcastle only to have it get washed away by a sudden big wave.
I got my head wrapped and stuck into an idea of Perfection where all is said and done, right here right now. So that I can have ‘proof’ and ‘confirmation’ that I am a good person.
Yet, my experience of myself was showing me over and over again ‘No, I am not yet that Perfection – why do I keep on insisting on being that, when I am not that? And to what extent does it serve me to keep imposing a state of being unto myself, that I am not? It just creates constant conflict, friction and war with and within myself – between ‘where I am at’ and ‘where I want to be’. It’s never going to be enough, I’m never going to be satisfied, I’m always going to be disappointed with myself.
So then, I looked again at this point of ‘Here’ and how to work with it differently, because obviously how I had been working with it was only causing me pain. I then bumped into a video that mentioned that how we work with our Here can be either supportive or destructive. When we’re going through turmoil and tell ourselves ‘ok, just be here’ – we’re simply suppressing ourselves into an experience of silence. That our Here was: Emotional Turmoil – judged this, and then instead tried to impose a ‘different Here’ into the moment. This was when my coin dropped and I realized that I am always Here, but what constitutes my Here differs from moment to moment. Because who I am consists of multi-dimensions, which are revealed over space-time. Where I can have an Honest moment of silence within myself where I, with Awareness, direct and move myself, but I can also have Honest Emotional moments that ‘happen’ to me, where those aspects of myself are so Automated and where I have not yet established authority within myself. The one moment of Here, is no less true or untrue than the other moment of Here.
Where some parts and aspects of myself are well established, while others are weakly present and need to be exercised more, or where some parts are not present at all – and need to still be created.
I can be Here and only experience total turmoil and panic as if I am about to faint. This then constitutes my Here for that moment. I can also be totally silent, present within myself and my body, in tune with my environment – which constitutes my Here for that moment.
Whenever I would experience a reaction, movement, thoughts, mix of emotions and feelings – I’d get stuck in the attitude that ‘this should not be here’ because it keeps me from being Here. Instead of seeing, realizing and acknowledging that this is currently my Here – and this is simply what it is. Whether it should or should not be Here is really irrelevant, because the matter of fact still stands that: it is Here. Fighting and Resisting myself as the moments and experiences that showed me parts of myself that were not yet developed to their Best Potential – only made it so that I would not work with them. The purpose of ‘being Here’ was not to force or impose something that was not a reality, but to work with Reality as it currently stands so that I can change it. When I chase for Perfection, I only actually further diminish myself – as what I resist will only persist and grow stronger. It’s not about being Perfect Here within the Silence and Totality of Self – because – I am not Silent and Complete as myself! That would only be denial.
It is to Perfect the Practice of Being Here and working with What is Here to the Best of one’s Ability.
Every moment shows and reveals to me what I am standing One and Equal to. I can only ever experience that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be One and Equal to. Within looking at it from that perspective, I saw that what has been happening in the moments I did change myself was that I was changing my acceptances and allowances, shifting them to a different gear or level. Working through different layers and degrees of Separation, different degrees of Hereness which bring me closer to, let’s say, the ‘Ultimate Hereness of all that Exists as Me’. Within that, I cannot skip steps or simply ‘project myself there’.
All I need to focus on is: ‘What is Here for me?’, ‘What does this current moment reveal about my acceptances and allowances; and what am I going to do about it?’
This builds Self-Trust, this builds Self-Worth – that whatever comes up, I can transmute and change. Then it doesn’t matter ‘what else’ comes up in the future because I know that I will work with it. Who I am, is then not defined by ‘what comes up’ – which had been what I kept hammering on inside myself – but instead: what do I do with it within the context of my current capacity and understanding? What I do with it defines me and whether I actually live up to and honor my current capacity. If I do not honor my current capacity, how can I grow, live and expand into my potential – when I am already not making use of what I can do and be – right here, right now? My potential and expansion are then forever deferred and postponed. Where experiences would come up that I could honestly work through if I gave myself a chance – but did not out of judgment and morality.
Another side effect of this is that I would recreate patterns, revive beliefs and habits because ‘this is not working’, ‘what’s the point’, ‘it’s never good enough’. Where my internal muscles were quite strong in those areas, but instead I stopped using and exercising them. I threw it all out of the window because it hadn’t gotten me to where I wanted to be. The experience of it was as if had been working on a balloon that was hard to inflate and reached a new level of difficulty to inflate it, and instead of stopping for a moment and considering my options, I let it deflate completely and would angrily throw the balloon in a corner with a ‘F U’ attitude.
I stopped being able to differentiate between that which I can direct if I make an effort to do so (the levels and degrees I had been able to blow up the balloon before), – and those points that were honestly still a ‘mystery’ as the one I described at the start of my blog, where I am doing my best to be here within my current capacity and expression of Self Awareness, where things can activate that I have yet to open up, explore, introspect, investigate and change. Where ‘Who we Are’ and the creation of this ‘Who I am’ is mostly the result of our formative years, the first seven years of our lives. All these inputs as our programming are seven years’ worth of experiences and self-definitions, which we do not access within ‘a single moment’, but over time, through the years, through the various encounters with other people and situations that trigger this content to ‘come up’. And if we keep, like I did, and to some extent still do – judge the triggers and the programming it reveals, then working through it and transmuting these self-definitions keeps on being deferred. It takes longer and longer to get back to ourselves, to integrate all the polarized parts of ourselves and come back to Wholeness.
To take it even further, say that I as an individualized expression of Source, of Wholeness is Whole as ‘one person’ – the external Me as the entire World which is a reflection of the collective Me – would still be in disarray and in need of sorting out.
Within that, ‘stuff’ is always going to come up and be revealed. Whether it is within me, in others as me or the World as it currently exists. So the point is not to ‘not have stuff come up’ – but to work with whatever does come up, cause it will not stop coming up – until everything and everyone has realigned themselves to the Here of Life, as what is Best for All.
So if you’re anything like me, drop your ideas and perceptions of attaining Perfection and Wholeness ‘right here, right now’. Because it’s not going to happen, not for a long time – and all you’re going to do is be miserable and diminish yourself. Honor yourself in where you’re at, honor your current capacity and understanding of what is best for You and Others. Trusting that in applying Honour and Living Honour – you ultimately create and manifest Honour within and without.