The trust, the bond, the connection between Parent and Child, between Mother and Child – for me between Mother and Son – is so Sacred. It’ what always comes first – no – matter – what.
They come into this world, this terribly Dark World, with their Light of Innocence. They have no clue what they’ve just entered. They’re too small, too fragile, too meek to realize what kind of world they’ve just entered.
I did my best to always be a warm, welcoming embrace to my son – providing nurturing, comfort, guidance and security to the best of my ability. Always keeping him close to my chest, close to my heart. Trying my best to show him what I want for him, what is his Birth Right, as it is all of our Birth Right, has always been our Birth Right and will always be our Birth Right: To be safe, supported and welcomed; To have everything we need to nurture and develop our best potential, to become the best possible version of ourselves – both for our own sake and that of everyone else.
But that’s not the world we live in today, now is it?
The warmth, the teat, the milk that is supplied on demand and not ruled by the economics of this world. The milk, the Essential to Life Food which gets produced freely and unconditionally by the Mother’s Body – just as Mother Earth produces her richness and bounty freely, unconditionally for all of her Children who roam the Earth – human, animal, plant and mineral alike.
Produced freely – without asking anything in return.
Produced freely to the best of her ability – without any expectation of how the gift is to be used. Trusting that we will learn, trusting her children that even though we may abuse it – eventually – eventually – I really hope, eventually – we will learn.
And so – I do my best as a Mother for my dear Son Cesar.
When I was pregnant, I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to read A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn. I was studying at university at the time – I was getting a Bachelors Degree of Arts with a specialization in Economics, Politics and Philosophy – because to me, how we run this world has not and still does not make any fucking sense (and sorry for my language, but there’s really no nice way to put it). Studying Economics, Politics and Philosophy was my last attempt at figuring out if I had been missing something. There HAD to be something I had been missing. That this is the world we live in. And when I find ‘the answer’ – it will all make sense, and I will be at peace.
Reading this book broke me.
I was already emotionally heightened, and the stories, the pain, the wars – it got me. I sobbed my entire way through. I could not muster up the strength to pretend this doesn’t phase me. I let myself collapse, I let myself break down and acknowledge my own personal pain I went through, in my individual life only. Just one life – just one out of Many Billions.
I let myself feel the pain of the Native Americans getting slaughtered, I let myself feel the pain of the various animals used and abused in humans’ personal quest for power, I let myself feel the pain of the people trying to fight to good fight, people who put their own personal lives and those of their families on the line, I let myself feel the pain of the people who did get murdered, assassinated, tortured – all because they were fighting for something that is really so simple, and so small to ask – such as getting a minimum wage in place. So many people have suffered, so many people have died – for a simple thing like ‘having a minimum wage’ – an economic and political policy that seems so small today. So ‘obvious’ – so taken for granted.
The lives and families broken and sliced apart, bodies torn apart – to abolish Child Labour. Such a simple thing right? So obvious, so normal – so taken for granted.
America (and everyone else really, because “we’re all living in America” – isn’t it?) – you have a beautiful Constitution – there is nothing like it out there. A beautiful vision, a beautiful template to live by and honour.
But what do we do with it?
Do we honour it?
Do we live it?
No – we don’t.
We might as well print it on our toilet paper and wipe our asses with it.
That’s how little consideration, respect and value we give those special words, that beautiful vision.
And yet – I have tried, and every day I am still trying – to Live the Words of Comfort for my Son, to Live the Change I want to see in this World. Knowing that – my warm and soft and caring embrace – does not extend to the rest of the world. That I have broken his trust before he was even conceived. That I did not bring him into a World where everyone is Happy and Taken Care of. That I have not brought him into Paradise – that, Cesar, my sweet, sweet boy – you were born in the Arms of a Mother living in a Gladiator Arena. And I tried so hard to protect you and I tried so hard to protect myself. But I have failed you, I have failed you from the start.
We’re all just cannon fodder. And I can’t predict to you what will happen as you grow up and decide to extend your reach. I don’t know what will happen as you grow more independent and walk away from me and explore this world for yourself.
I have seen the Arena, I have seen the bloodshed, I have seen the pain. And my boy, I wish I could protect you from this as I wish I could have been protected. But I can’t and I have not been able to.
Because this is our reality, this is our nature, this is Human Nature Manifest – and it’s fucking sad. And there’s so much fucking pain.
And yet my boy, despite the Sadness, despite the Pain – I am going to ask you, as I have asked myself – to please not let this stop you. To please honour and live your awesome sweet self. You are such a gentle, soft and caring soul. Please, never forget that. Please, don’t give that up – ever.
I am trying to be there for you, I am trying. But I am also in pain, I have been battered and wounded, I’ve been cut and sliced – emotionally, physically and mentally. I’ve fought Words as Swords trying to cleave my Heart and I am tired, I am in pain and I need to heal.
And my sweetest darling, I will not stop, I will not stop healing, I will not stop healing myself – for myself, for you, for everyone else in this world.
For much too long, have we butchered our own Innocence, our Life essence – and have we let others Butcher ours. But no more, no more.
And Cesar, we cannot do this alone – I have tried, and it broke me. You came along and you saved me in more ways than I can count. You have been an absolute Privilege in my hands, in my arms even though I have failed to give you what you truly deserve, what every child truly deserves – what every broken adult today truly deserved as a child.
And Cesar, the Arena is tough and there are many Skilled Warriors who will be out to get you. But equally, there are many Good People Cesar, who want to fight the good fight, that will and are willing to put their lives on the line for a better world. And I want you to focus on yourself and I want you to focus on these people. Together, you are Strong. Together, we can change this World. Even if just a little bit – it will be worth it.
I am tired Cesar and you know this. I have been trying to shine my light for you in this world and I am tired of being attacked for it, for trying to be ‘owned’ for it. I am tired of making myself invisible and dampen my light so that others are not reminded of the Darkness they harbour and carry deep within. I am tired of being my light only for others to get a temporary fix of motivation – only to break me down again at the next convenient moment to feel better about themselves. I am tired of my own bullshit, I am tired of my own acceptances and allowances.
I am tired
I am tired
I am tired
And I need to rest
But I will get better and I will get through this and this is not forever.
And to anyone reading this open Letter to my Son – if you can hear me, if you can see me, if you can feel my pain as you do your own and that of others. I call a dropping of Arms – let’s put down our weapons. There’s already enough shit going down in this world. There’s already enough pain, starvation, war and suffering.
Put down your Weapons and Raise your Hearts. Find it within you to Embrace the Lion Heart within. Call upon every inch of Courage to drop your Ego and start considering to live what is Best for All.
Too much blood has been shed.
There is a quickening happening currently in the World. The Uni-Verse – the One Song we all Are – is vibrating at a higher rate. We are all Pawns on this Earth, this Board Game, this “Game of Thrones”. We are asked to evaluate who we are, where we are and where we want to be. Everyone’s moving at hyper speed – you have no choice in this. We are all being faced with many questions and many decisions to make. Take your time to make up your mind – but make it up fast.
Slow down, but hurry up.
Choices are being made, the Chessboard is changing – Players are being moved around.
Soon, this will all be over and the Stage will be set for the Next Season. And all I ask you is this: Consider more than just yourself.
Let’s create Heaven on Earth